Putting an End to Money Fights
In the first two posts in this series, we spoke about the way beliefs and attitudes concerning finances contribute to burdening what might be a very straight-forward conversation with all sorts of baggage. In this section, we’ll talk about how to have money conversations without the drama, blaming and anger that so often mark these talks.
Prep Work
.Just as an actor starting a new role needs to put in extensive preparation in understanding the character and analyzing the script, before having a major conversation about money, it can be very helpful if you and your partner do prep work.
Knowing attitudes towards money can keep the peace
Do you really know your attitude towards money? Both the broad strokes and the details? Things like how you feel about paying bills on time, having a budget, investment risk? Do you know your partner’s attitude toward them? If not, it’s time to take stock, and then have a conversation with your partner to ensure you both are aware of the other’s attitudes.
If you have very different attitudes, try negotiating compromises about the important issues. If your partner would like to bank 20% of your income, and you would like to spend it all, what about banking 10%? If you want every bill paid as soon as it is due, and your partner thinks paying bills can wait until the cut-off notice, what about deciding which are the important bills that should be paid on time?
Knowing each other’s attitudes towards money, and having negotiated compromises can prevent unexpected financial surprises, and be very useful in allowing you to plan and control your finances.
Try to pin down money beliefs
Your money beliefs, discussed in the second post in this series, are some of the triggers that can take your money talks from discussions to open warfare in the blink of an eye.
Ask yourself, “What are my money beliefs?” You may not know the answer to this question, so another approach is to ask, “Do I have triggers around money? Do conversations about money make me feel a certain way? What might that mean about my beliefs about money?”
See how you finish the sentence: “money is _________.” Write down as many such sentences as you can. Do you have a reaction to any of those sentences? Does one feel truer than the rest? That may be a belief about money that acts as a trigger for you.
Have your partner do the same, then talk about what you have discovered. Knowing each other’s triggers will help keep future money talks focused on problem-solving, and avoid conflicts.
Seven Steps to Peaceful Money Talks
Usually, couples only have three reasons to have a money talk. First, if one of you has a problem with the way the other deals with money. This is probably the most sensitive and potentially explosive issue. The second is when an unexpected expense or change in your financial situation comes up. The third is when you need to plan for an anticipated expense, like college tuition or an upcoming vacation.
Here are some suggested steps you can take to keep these discussions productive and friendly:
Make your partner an ally. Approach the conversation with the idea that you are working on a common problem, not chastising your partner for bad behavior. Avoid blaming, and instead, approach the issue as a shared problem with which you would like help from your partner.
Keep the conversation about realities, not opinions. When it comes down to it, money talks are about often painful realities. “We’re going broke,” is an opinion, and doesn’t help. “We have been having very high credit card bills, and I’m wondering how we can lower the amount that we spend every month,” is a statement about reality that can lead into a productive conversation. “You’re spending a fortune every month,” is a blaming opinion that puts your partner on the defensive.
Talk about emotions, not from them. “When I see how rapidly our savings are dwindling, it frightens me,” for example, is a way of speaking about your emotions. “We’re spending all our savings!!” is probably spoken from the fear. Speaking about your emotions is a way of explaining where you are coming from in a conversation, without having the emotion get in the way of problem-solving.
Stay aware and curious during the conversation. If you or your partner start getting upset, notice it, and be curious about it. Ask yourself or your partner what just happened that triggered the reaction. Friendly curiosity is an important tool for understanding, and the more you and your partner understand each other, the more likely the conversation will stay productive and friendly.
Forget about winning or being right. The minute you focus on winning or being right, the conversation becomes a conflict. Remember, you only win in a money talk if you both reach an understanding that leads to a solution.
Be willing to continue the conversation at another time. Sometimes, it takes time and thought to take in information. If you find you or your partner are getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause the conversation. If you are the one pressing the pause button, explain why. Make it clear that you are not saying, “I don’t want to talk about it.” If possible, make a date to continue it. Talks postponed indefinitely often don’t happen.
Finally, don’t be discouraged if this approach doesn’t work the first time. Learning to have collaborative and productive conversations about difficult subjects takes time. Changing habits and behaviors also takes practice. Learn from each conversation, in order to improve the next one.
The amount of money we have is often only partly in our control. But having productive financial conversations instead of fights about money can be. It is a learnable skill, and one which, unfortunately, we are seldom taught in childhood. If you need help in applying the principles from this article, or if these principles don’t really apply to your particular money fights, please feel free to contact me. As always, our get-acquainted conversations are free and no obligation.