Too Much, Too Soon

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Couple Talking

 

 

When You’re Only Trying To Help

 

Sally and Kyle (Names and details have been changed) are both working actors in their early thirties. When they came in for their regular couple session, Sally’s usual winning smile was nowhere to be seen, and I noticed that she sat further away from her boyfriend than usual. I had barely taken my seat when she began:

“I feel really frustrated,” she began. She went on to explain that last night, when he got home from rehearsal, Kyle began complaining about the director, who he felt had it in for him. That night, nothing he did seemed to satisfy the man, and it seemed to him that the guidance he was getting was confusing and contradictory.

“I don’t feel like he knows what he wants. Everything I did was wrong. And he’s got this huge reputation, and works a lot, so I really want him to like my work.”

“Right,” said Sally,”and I felt bad for you. I tried to help you see the things you could do to make it better, but it felt like you just wanted to stew in your misery!”

I asked Sally what she had suggested, and she began listing practical ideas for dealing with the director, and thoughts about what he might have wanted. When she finished, I turned to Kyle.

“Help me understand what’s going on here. What response did you want from Sally when you told her about the rehearsal?”

“I guess I just wanted her to listen to me, and understand. And maybe feel bad for me.”

“So,” I said, “you didn’t want a solution to the problem?”

“No, not then. Maybe later I would have, but right then, all I wanted was to tell Sally about my night.”

It sounds so simple, but I constantly see couples, friends and family go through the same interaction. One person talks about a problem, and the other, trying to be helpful, leaps in with a solution, only to met with the reasons why it won’t work. The conversation ends with both frustrated with the other.

There can be a lot of explanations for why the dialogue went that way, but one of the most common is as simple as the fact that they were not asking for solutions. Rather. they were expressing a very human need to be heard and understood. One common term for this is “venting.” Venting is a way of dealing with stress. When it works as it is supposed to, it provides a release of emotion, and, when met with understanding and concern, is also a way of soothing negative feelings.

Sally’s approach to problems is to go straight to a solution, and that was what she was doing with Kyle. Especially with people we love, it’s normal to want to be helpful. If someone we love is in pain, we want to fix it, to make it better. But often, before they can consider what steps to take to solve the problem, people need to speak about it, and be understood. That second part is very important. When we share with someone we trust that we have suffered an injury, whether to the body or to our self-esteem, we expect to be met with understanding. If we get a negative reaction, or a minimizing one, we cam end up feeling embarrassed or ashamed of our reactions.

Sometimes, well-meaning folks think that the best way to help someone get over a hurt is to minimize the pain. A woman grieving for a lost boyfriend is told “he’s not worth feeling bad about,” for example. Or, to a friend who has just been in an accident, “It could have been a lot worse.” It’s not that such reassurance is necessarily wrong, it is a matter of timing. We need to be able to express our feelings, first, and we need those we trust to understand what we are feeling and tell us that they understand. Later, when we are past the first emotional reaction, we might be able to hear the reassurances. But not initially.

In other words, Sally wasn’t wrong, but her timing was off.

“So Kyle just wanted me to listen,” Sally asked?

“At that moment, yes. To listen and to understand. Once he got past his frustration and hurt, he might have been ready to hear your suggestions.”

“Okay, I get that. But how am I supposed to know when to offer help and when to just listen?”

“You can ask,” I replied. “ ‘Kyle, I’m not sure whether you want me to offer suggestions or just listen.’ How does that sound to you, Kyle?”

“It sounds a little strange, but good. Like I can tell Sally what I need from her.”

Which brings up the last point: when in doubt, ask. It is perfectly alright to ask your partner what they need from you, as long as the question is asked with kindness. Obviously, an exasperated “What do you want from me?” probably will not further the conversation. But a caring inquiry can show that you really want to understand what they are feeling and respond appropriately. Do that, and you can make sure that your response won’t be too much, too soon.

When Couples Fight About Money: The Surprising Truth — Part Three

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How to have friendly and productive money talks

Putting an End to Money Fights

 

In the first two posts in this series, we spoke about the way beliefs and attitudes concerning finances contribute to burdening what might be a very straight-forward conversation with all sorts of baggage. In this section, we’ll talk about how to have money conversations without the drama, blaming and anger that so often mark these talks.

Prep Work

.Just as an actor starting a new role needs to put in extensive preparation in understanding the character and analyzing the script, before having a major conversation about money, it can be very helpful if you and your partner do prep work.

Knowing attitudes towards money can keep the peace

Do you really know your attitude towards money? Both the broad strokes and the details? Things like how you feel about paying bills on time, having a budget, investment risk? Do you know your partner’s attitude toward them? If not, it’s time to take stock, and then have a conversation with your partner to ensure you both are aware of the other’s attitudes.

If you have very different attitudes, try negotiating compromises about the important issues. If your partner would like to bank 20% of your income, and you would like to spend it all, what about banking 10%? If you want every bill paid as soon as it is due, and your partner thinks paying bills can wait until the cut-off notice, what about deciding which are the important bills that should be paid on time?

Knowing each other’s attitudes towards money, and having negotiated compromises can prevent unexpected financial surprises, and be very useful in allowing you to plan and control your finances.

Try to pin down money beliefs

Your money beliefs, discussed in the second post in this series, are some of the triggers that can take your money talks from discussions to open warfare in the blink of an eye.

Ask yourself, “What are my money beliefs?” You may not know the answer to this question, so another approach is to ask, “Do I have triggers around money? Do conversations about money make me feel a certain way? What might that mean about my beliefs about money?”

See how you finish the sentence: “money is _________.” Write down as many such sentences as you can. Do you have a reaction to any of those sentences? Does one feel truer than the rest? That may be a belief about money that acts as a trigger for you.

Have your partner do the same, then talk about what you have discovered. Knowing each other’s triggers will help keep future money talks focused on problem-solving, and avoid conflicts.

Seven Steps to Peaceful Money Talks

Usually, couples only have three reasons to have a money talk. First, if one of you has a problem with the way the other deals with money. This is probably the most sensitive and potentially explosive issue. The second is when an unexpected expense or change in your financial situation comes up. The third is when you need to plan for an anticipated expense, like college tuition or an upcoming vacation.

Here are some suggested steps you can take to keep these discussions productive and friendly:

 

Make your partner an ally. Approach the conversation with the idea that you are working on a common problem, not chastising your partner for bad behavior. Avoid blaming, and instead, approach the issue as a shared problem with which you would like help from your partner.

Keep the conversation about realities, not opinions. When it comes down to it, money talks are about often painful realities. “We’re going broke,” is an opinion, and doesn’t help. “We have been having very high credit card bills, and I’m wondering how we can lower the amount that we spend every month,” is a statement about reality that can lead into a productive conversation. “You’re spending a fortune every month,” is a blaming opinion that puts your partner on the defensive.

Talk about emotions, not from them. “When I see how rapidly our savings are dwindling, it frightens me,” for example, is a way of speaking about your emotions. “We’re spending all our savings!!” is probably spoken from the fear. Speaking about your emotions is a way of explaining where you are coming from in a conversation, without having the emotion get in the way of problem-solving.

Stay aware and curious during the conversation. If you or your partner start getting upset, notice it, and be curious about it. Ask yourself or your partner what just happened that triggered the reaction. Friendly curiosity is an important tool for understanding, and the more you and your partner understand each other, the more likely the conversation will stay productive and friendly.

Forget about winning or being right. The minute you focus on winning or being right, the conversation becomes a conflict. Remember, you only win in a money talk if you both reach an understanding that leads to a solution.

Be willing to continue the conversation at another time. Sometimes, it takes time and thought to take in information. If you find you or your partner are getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause the conversation. If you are the one pressing the pause button, explain why. Make it clear that you are not saying, “I don’t want to talk about it.” If possible, make a date to continue it. Talks postponed indefinitely often don’t happen.

Finally, don’t be discouraged if this approach doesn’t work the first time. Learning to have collaborative and productive conversations about difficult subjects takes time. Changing habits and behaviors also takes practice. Learn from each conversation, in order to improve the next one.

 

The amount of money we have is often only partly in our control. But having productive financial conversations instead of fights about money can be. It is a learnable skill, and one which, unfortunately, we are seldom taught in childhood. If you need help in applying the principles from this article, or if these principles don’t really apply to your particular money fights, please feel free to contact me. As always, our get-acquainted conversations are free and no obligation.

When Couples Fight About Money: The Surprising Truth — Part Two

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How Beliefs About Money Fuel Fights

You have probably heard, or seen on T.V., stories about ruined investors and stock brokers jumping out of windows on Wall Street during the Great Crash of 1929. Although the number of such deaths has been exaggerated into urban legend, the fact is that many did take their lives upon realizing that they were financially ruined. To these people, the loss of their money was literally a fate worse than death.

 

Such is the power of beliefs about money. Thankfully, for most of us, dollars do not hold such sway. Nevertheless, in general, money does hold a special place in our beliefs. In this post, we will explore some common beliefs about money, and look at why they can fuel battles between couples that can end relationships.

 

The beliefs we are speaking of occupy a special category. In each case, money is seen as a substitute for a something else – something felt to be crucial to the individual’s survival which really has nothing to do with currency. The best way to explain this is to give some examples.

 

Money is Self Worth   

Someone lacking in self esteem may believe that their worth is determined by the amount of money they earn, or the possessions it can buy them. Like most of these beliefs, this is one which many of us hold. It is not unusual for someone feeling low to try to lift their spirits by buying something that makes them feel good about themselves, if just for a short time. This leads to many stereotypes: the middle-aged man who buys a sport’s car to feel young and vital again, or the woman who buys a new dress to feel more beautiful. For some people, the need to bolster self-worth becomes extreme, and money becomes the chief way they judge themselves. Having money makes them feel valuable, because they see themselves as successful. Without it, they are nothing.

 

As one actor put it, “When my partner complained about how little money I made, it made me feel like a failure. I got furious at him for rubbing my nose in it. It made me feel completely worthless.

 

Money is Security.   

Again, while many of us hold this belief, it is a question of how unsafe we feel that determines how strongly this is held. On the face of it, this seems like a reasonable belief to hold. After all, money ensures we have a place to live, food to eat, and clothing to wear. It is essential. But the truth is that security is a state of mind. We can become unemployed, our stock portfolio can lose value, businesses can fail. The real sense of security comes from a feeling that, no matter what, we can do what it takes to survive and thrive.

 

As with the previous example, the effects of this belief are most clearly seen when something threatens the financial well-being of the person holding it. Another actor said, “So there is this astronomical credit card bill, and as soon as I saw it, I hit the ceiling. I laid into her, called her names, I couldn’t think straight. Of course, when I thought about it later, I realized I had felt scared. When I saw the bill, I felt like I was going to lose everything. We were going to be on the street. But I got angry instead.”

 

There are many other things that money can substitute for: sexual desirability, power, even a sense of identity. In every case, money has been equated with something vital to the person’s sense of well-being, something that, for whatever reason, was lacking in their emotional makeup. As we said earlier, usually, we are not always aware that we hold these beliefs, or that there is any other way of seeing things.

If our partner seems to threaten our financial well-being, it becomes an attack not on our beliefs, but on those qualities we believe money represents: our self-worth, our security or whatever else money signifies for us. And the more we feel we lack them, the stronger our reaction to that attack will be. Given this, it’s no wonder that, for some of us, when couples fight about money, it can so easily spiral out of control.

How can we use this knowledge about attitudes and beliefs about money to have discussions about finances instead of fights? To deal with the nuts and bolts of our money as collaborators instead of foes? That is the subject of the third part of this series.

 

Coming Up: Tactics and Tools for Dealing With the Money Talks.

When Couples Fight about Money: The Surprising Truth — Part One

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How Attitudes Towards Money Make for Conflict

Among the predictors of divorce, money problems rank in the top ten. They are also one of the more common reasons for couple fights. Actors are especially prone to worries about money. By definition, an actor’s work is always temporary. Even the longest-running Broadway show eventually closes. So it is no surprise that money insecurities plague even highly successful working actors.

No surprise, then, that actors can find themselves fighting with their partners about finances. But fights about money are rarely only about pieces of paper with presidential portraits printed on them. Money is often attached to powerful, emotionally-charged beliefs and attitudes that can make disagreements in couples mushroom into full-blown warfare. Often, we don’t even know we have these connections between bucks and beliefs. We just feel the effects, when our anger goes off the charts when we start talking about money.

To start, let’s talk about attitudes towards money. A difference in attitudes can be disastrous, particularly when those differing views are not discussed and thoroughly understood, and where possible, compromises reached. Here are two examples

  • Money is vitally important vs. money doesn’t matter as long as you have enough to get by. People holding the first view are likely to be very aware of exactly how much money they have, and how it is spent. They are motivated by money, and very likely their occupation reflects that, either choosing a career that promises considerable financial reward, or security and stability. On the other hand, those to whom money does not matter are more likely to hold other values higher than financial return. Naturally, many actors fall into this category. They may dream of stardom, but know that the chances of making the A-list are slim. The thrill of the performance is much more important. Because money is so important to one, and unimportant to their partner, the possibilities for conflict are many, even to the point of deciding that “we’re just not right for each other.”

  • Money is to be invested or saved for the future, vs. money is only a means for living a good life, and acquiring things. Here, the conflict could be even more serious, since it potentially impacts the couple’s joint finances. To the one who values planning and saving, the other wastes money, and never thinks ahead. The partner, on the other hand, could see the former as withholding and miserly.

Most of us do not think about our attitudes towards money, but take them for granted. We may even assume that naturally, our partner holds the same view, only to be shocked to discover that their actions signal a very different mindset. When shared finances are on the line, those differences can explode into relationship-ending fights.

Of course, some couples try to avoid this issue entirely by maintaining completely separate finances. Even so, the consequences of these attitudes may well come up when, for example, the rent comes due and one partner cannot pay their share.

For some, even if each partner is responsible for their own money and expenses, partners may judge each other for their behavior around finances, even to the point of being outraged or contemptuous. This may well be a signal of strong underlying beliefs about money, and we will go further into that in the next article.

Coming Up: Part 2 Beliefs about Money