How Beliefs About Money Fuel Fights
You have probably heard, or seen on T.V., stories about ruined investors and stock brokers jumping out of windows on Wall Street during the Great Crash of 1929. Although the number of such deaths has been exaggerated into urban legend, the fact is that many did take their lives upon realizing that they were financially ruined. To these people, the loss of their money was literally a fate worse than death.
Such is the power of beliefs about money. Thankfully, for most of us, dollars do not hold such sway. Nevertheless, in general, money does hold a special place in our beliefs. In this post, we will explore some common beliefs about money, and look at why they can fuel battles between couples that can end relationships.
The beliefs we are speaking of occupy a special category. In each case, money is seen as a substitute for a something else – something felt to be crucial to the individual’s survival which really has nothing to do with currency. The best way to explain this is to give some examples.
Money is Self Worth
Someone lacking in self esteem may believe that their worth is determined by the amount of money they earn, or the possessions it can buy them. Like most of these beliefs, this is one which many of us hold. It is not unusual for someone feeling low to try to lift their spirits by buying something that makes them feel good about themselves, if just for a short time. This leads to many stereotypes: the middle-aged man who buys a sport’s car to feel young and vital again, or the woman who buys a new dress to feel more beautiful. For some people, the need to bolster self-worth becomes extreme, and money becomes the chief way they judge themselves. Having money makes them feel valuable, because they see themselves as successful. Without it, they are nothing.
As one actor put it, “When my partner complained about how little money I made, it made me feel like a failure. I got furious at him for rubbing my nose in it. It made me feel completely worthless.
Money is Security.
Again, while many of us hold this belief, it is a question of how unsafe we feel that determines how strongly this is held. On the face of it, this seems like a reasonable belief to hold. After all, money ensures we have a place to live, food to eat, and clothing to wear. It is essential. But the truth is that security is a state of mind. We can become unemployed, our stock portfolio can lose value, businesses can fail. The real sense of security comes from a feeling that, no matter what, we can do what it takes to survive and thrive.
As with the previous example, the effects of this belief are most clearly seen when something threatens the financial well-being of the person holding it. Another actor said, “So there is this astronomical credit card bill, and as soon as I saw it, I hit the ceiling. I laid into her, called her names, I couldn’t think straight. Of course, when I thought about it later, I realized I had felt scared. When I saw the bill, I felt like I was going to lose everything. We were going to be on the street. But I got angry instead.”
There are many other things that money can substitute for: sexual desirability, power, even a sense of identity. In every case, money has been equated with something vital to the person’s sense of well-being, something that, for whatever reason, was lacking in their emotional makeup. As we said earlier, usually, we are not always aware that we hold these beliefs, or that there is any other way of seeing things.
If our partner seems to threaten our financial well-being, it becomes an attack not on our beliefs, but on those qualities we believe money represents: our self-worth, our security or whatever else money signifies for us. And the more we feel we lack them, the stronger our reaction to that attack will be. Given this, it’s no wonder that, for some of us, when couples fight about money, it can so easily spiral out of control.
How can we use this knowledge about attitudes and beliefs about money to have discussions about finances instead of fights? To deal with the nuts and bolts of our money as collaborators instead of foes? That is the subject of the third part of this series.
Coming Up: Tactics and Tools for Dealing With the Money Talks.